There are all these beautiful, peaceful, softly sleeping characters in art and in literature. In truth, I am the ugliest sleeper. My mouth falls apart, there is some tongue lolling and I have a hunch that there may be dribble. It�s rather alarmingly equine. My friend took a photo of me asleep on an aeroplane a few years ago and it was so awful and horrific that the image is burned on to the eye of my brain. Where am I going wrong here? How do people remain elegantly composed? In films and on tv, characters wake up with a gentle flutter of the lashes. I have red cheeks, swollen eyes, pillow crease marks, birds nest hair and an extremely confused manner. It takes an age of vacuous silence and much tea before I can coordinate sufficiently for the formation of coherent speech. I guess that M would attest to this. He is very kind and gentle despite my wildly baffled demeanour. He makes me tea and encourages me to shower.

This is him asleep. I Imagine that he won�t thank me for posting this.

Notice the two-tone tan. This is the effect of half Italian, half scouse genes combining.

These are my other main men:

Evan Viking style. He thinks it�s a pilot helmet. I�m not sure how he ended up at this conclusion. He is very into hats.

This is Sam in the supermarket. He is wearing a sticker on his head that says �Samuel�.

This is the F-Mc-F. I�m can�t remember which film or star he is emulating in this photo. I managed to upload the ones of us being Kylie but I can�t say that the dress was all that flattering on either of us.

I spent all day completing this first aid course. There were women who proudly announced all the medical accidents, emergencies and illnesses that had happened in their families. One poor boy had apparently been poisoned, choked, suffered seizures, badly infected and overheated. The broadcasts became more and more exaggerated �well, my mother�s friend�s neighbour�s entire face swelled up so much that she went blind, deaf and lost a leg.� Until it got to the point where I gave a cough, raised my glass, stood on the chair and said �One day I accidentally fed my baby poison and then left it unattended in a bush on the edge of a cliff near a pack of wolves.� Apart from I didn�t say anything; I remained silent and stole lots of pens.

Free pens!

Inkysoso