I noticed that my shampoo is �Super Smooth�. Down to this single fact alone I managed to have whole conversations between Mr Super Smooth (�weeelllll helllllllooo rrrrow so you�re Foaming when wet are you facewash?�) and every other cleaning product based on its selling characteristic. Quite the party got underway until the �Restoring� conditioner regained balance to the situation and told everyone to move along.

Because it is half term week and my mum is mum to a thousand children every day (Ok, maybe like 4 or 5 but whatever dude that is still a lot of small people)

Eh totally forgotten where I am with this conversation.

Right! Yes, I took some of them to a big country park with her. The past few weeks have been sunny every day but yesterday it decided to rain a grey, drizzly, sweaty rain all day. So imagine if you will two hott chix naked and mud wrestling but minus the two hott chix and the nudity and you will get an idea of yesterday. Well, there was partial nudity if you count repeatedly having to tell one child to take his hand out of his butt RIGHT NOW. During this walk I listened in on one of the sweetest conversations I have ever heard. Here is the list of characters:

Lulu - 11 years old, my little sister, according to M one of only 2 people he knows clumsier than I

Lo � Nearly 5, football obsessed, loves words like fart and pooh, looked up to by the other children for being the eldest out of the group

Will � 3, know it all, can tell the time, loves steam engines

It went like this�

Lo � Lulu we have a surprise for you

Lulu - Huh?

Lo � Well, we�re not telling you what it is but if you think it�s a robot you might be right�

Will � IT�S A DINOSAUR!

Lo- SSSHHHHH [leans in to Will conspiratorially] don�t tell her ok, it�s a secret!

Lulu � Huh?!

At work I did something very clever and told Gio that it�s because I am such a genius. Then I spent an hour training a new lady how to do pretty much everything at the same time as running around trying to keep hordes of people and problems under control. I was not meant to be training this lady and I was not meant to be left alone holding back the masses and sorting out every problem the boss was but she is totally dopey and did not emerge for over an hour. My ship was very shapely. If you want anything organised well you should let me do it. I think my slight obsessive compulsive tendencies play well in sorting out chaos. Obviously I told Gio it was because as well as being a genius I am super talented. He said �Girlfriend, we really must work on raising your confidence levels, I have never seen such low self esteem.�

I got an insight into boy texts. M accidentally sent me a message that said �sweet�. He was meant to send it to his friend as a response to �they are making a new batman movie� WOAH fellas, almost too much information contained within your messages.

Today

When have I ever saved anything in My Documents? Here is when: NEVER. So why does My Documents insist on being the first saving to option whenever I try to save something? Fuck off My Documents I don�t like you and you are not welcome around here. I would be kinder but you are so consistently irritating that my patience has worn thin. Why is there no option to delete this useless folder?

I can�t say what I did today because it involves trying to get M a birthday present and he reads this. I did buy some groovy looking plants though and in a minute I am going to plant them because I am green fingered and at one with nature. Yesterday I was more at one with mud than even farmers need to be. One of the plants is the most phallic looking cacti the universe has ever known. I will take good care of it.

I am trying as we speak* to ring up the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead to make an appointment. Both numbers they have given are continually engaged. I feel jittery and nervous. I am quite pleased because my letter says Clinic: PLASTIC SURGERY which makes me feel like I am going to get a new nose or tits or something glamorous instead of just getting treatment for a third degree burn (PEOPLE MY FIRST LINK THAT I MADE ALL BY MYSELF REJOICE WITH ME)

*As I type? I feel like I am speaking because I type as if I�m having a jaunty conversation and in my mind I am and that�s eerie because with who? Myself? An online web page? Creepy

I am polishing my drinking hat for this evening and apparently my friend might be bringing her Sexy French Lodger so I am giving it extra spit and shine. Tomorrow will be a good day for it is exactly a month since I last went to the eyebrow lady and I can get my sprouting brows waxed and shaped and I must say it�s not a day too soon. I think perhaps I reveal too much and now feel like I need to defend myself and say I don�t have a huge monobrow or two mating caterpillar eyebrows and generally look like a normal non-freakishly large browed person. I am not sure why I mention some things. I should maintain a dignified illusion of elegance and sophistication because where better to pretend that was the case than an anonymous diary type thing.

Inkysoso wishes she were a crime fighting superhero