I have come back from a 4 hour car journey from Liverpool. My arse is aching. I don�t think my buns are steel. Steel would be far more enduring. There was this satellite navigation woman in the car. A robot voice (�give her a sandwich� M�s grandma) and she was really commanding �You will turn left, you fucking wanker� or something similar. I played count the roadkill to pass the time but there was so much I had to give up. I even had to ask whether that was a normal amount because it looked like bin bags of dead creatures had been emptied on to the motorway. There's a good conversation: Reasonable levels of roadkill.

We went to see M�s lovely pocket sized grandma who kept coming out with funny comments. Here are a collection of my favourites:

Now that I live alone it�s two wees to a flush

I�ll tell ye who�s dead

Oh! Bring yer own chair!

Get in the queue

I didn�t fancy him but money�s money, in�t it

I�m saucy enough thanks

(To Russian sailors) oooooooooooooooooooooh! You�re not from round here (she then proceeded to try and follow them and stalk them and chat them up and had to be dragged away)

Most of these comments were not in any conversational context. She just came out with them. I also found out (after we got there) that the other purpose was to see lots of big ships. There was some kind of ship festival. I have never been on a ship before. OH WAIT! Yes I have HMS Belfast. When I was about 9 I went on this with my brother and sister and can only remember running around excitedly. I have decided that I really like going on ships because I get to indulge my sense of wanting to be a pirate as well as my enjoyment of button pressing and general touching things obsession. There are a lot of things to touch on a ship.

ALSO! Thinking of touching things, I just remembered all the seamen. Sea men? Sailors. The best were the Royal Marine Commandos because they wore green t-shirts with ROYAL MARINE COMMANDO on the back and little hats. I am all for hats. Every job should have a hat uniform. I�m sure there are lots of reasons for joining the Commandos but come on now, you get the outfit. That would be enough for me. Plus, I can�t say the word Commando without putting on an Action Man voice. STEP ASIDE; I AM HERE TO DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM. YOU GOT TANGLED UP IN A FISHING NET, I WILL CUT YOU FREE WITH MY MULTI-FUNCTIONAL POCKET KNIFE AND THEN I WILL CARRY YOU AWAY AND WE WILL SET SAIL AND THERE WILL BE STORMS BUT WE WILL RIDE THEM LIKE PROS. I AM A PRO.

I'm not sure if this is conveyed but I had a good weekend. We saw lots of sights of Liverpool (seriously, just about everything you could fit in to one and a half days) and I thought it was an impressive city. We went to Liverpool's China Town. Last week I was in China Town in London and two women were having a huge screaming fight. It is the only time I have ever wished I understood Chinese. I would love to know what they were trying to fight each other over (they were being held back). My favourite part of the weekend was becoming inexplicably overjoyed on a beach with a shoal of stranded jellyfish and huge winds and laughing like a lunatic and running back to the car because when I say huge winds I mean getting to gale force levels of windyness.

I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the news or what is going on in general as I have been quite cocooned. So if something major has happened, someone tell me. I keep pressing my top lip on to my nose because it feels cold and good. I wish I could tap dance because now that I am restless instead of wriggling around in a restless way I could do a stylish tap dance. I will have to do a mental one instead

Taptaptaptaptappitytaptaptap dramatic build up getting faster taptaptaptaptpaptaptpaptpapptpaptaptapatptaptaptapp and ending with a flourish

Who wants to help me rob a bank? I can make some masks and things, it�ll be a fun day out. Who wants to help me hijack a ship and become a pirate? Who wants to help me paint myself in camouflage and infiltrate� something camoflagey?

How cool are ray fish? You know the flat ones. They look just like gravel. They are excellent in the art of camouflage. I have been to two aquariums recently and been most impressed with the rays. Everything else is fancy and all (neon pink fish!) but really when you can look like gravel you�re the smartest.

I just need to have some sex and shut up with the shit.

Inkysoso eats up her spinach and pops and eye to a sailor man