M is buying a shiny new car. I just put shiny as a ruse to disguise my car-related knowledge abyss. The place he is buying it from has a sign that announces �ITS�S A GREAT DEAL� It says something completely different to that about low percentage of interest/finance/payback/maggots (on my brain) or something but this is the general nub and gist of it. ITS�S ! You would think that somewhere along the line between garage management writing the sign, sign makers producing it and sign erectors eh erecting it someone would have read that sentence. Did we forget anything? Let�s see, big� check, shiny�check, yellow and red�check, makes sense� looks good to me. It�s disturbing.

At a college interview last week I had to sit a Literacy test. This is ridiculous in itself seeing as to be able to do the course students need to have graduated in whatever field and unless extraordinarily lucky this would have involved essay writing. The tutor said that everybody was at level 1 or 2. I got level 3 which I was proud of for a whole six seconds until I printed out the wrong sheet. So whilst everyone else had these neat little grade papers like this:

Hilary Maggot
24/06/1980
Score: Level 2
Elements of level 3
Lots of other writing
I don�t know about
Because mine didn�t
Have this

Mine looked like this:

Damn. The IT man had to write my name on in red biro. The tutor said nobody had ever quite managed to get a page like that before but she put it in my file anyway. Filed under I for Idiot. Also, my swivel chair was broken and about a foot too high. The IT man couldn�t lower it (despite hammering on it in front of everyone present). So I was suspended like a towering inferno above my computer station. There were all these hair straightened, low slung, acrylic nailed, baguette bagged, lip glossed 16 year olds disturbing me. Not in the fact that they were actually near me or anything but they were EVERYWHERE. I was thinking that if there was a fire the hair product and nail fibres alone were going to send us straight up in one enormous ball of flames. Then a guy in an electric wheelchair positioned himself next to me which involved a 17 point turn. How is one supposed to concentrate? This was not helped by the fact that I actually said in my head �collect yourself� which cracked me up.

A long time ago I tried to stitch some clothing and managed to slice open my top lip. It caused I think a somewhat rational aversion to the finer points of needlework. This evening I overcame the fear and sewed up the hem of a long black gypsy skirt. Walking up stairs in that bastard is difficult to say the least. I cannot count the times I have almost fallen on my face and proclaimed �woah, nearly fell on my head again there, this shit�s daaangerous�. Quite often I say these things to M and he just looks at me. Anyhow, I am feeling somewhat proud. I have optimistically laid two ever so slightly hole ridden tops on my chair in a �where is the housewife we�re waiting to be sewn� position.

This evening I watched Cosmetic Surgery Live on the texts to the F and online to my friend Richard. The F had to turn over to a programme on TakeThat quite early on when they got to Anal Bleaching. Good old Richard braved it with me though.

Richard says:
what are you up to?
so says:
sorry, I got a bit distracted by cosmetic surgery live
Richard says:
this cosmetic surgery is gross huh
so says:
i am being sick right now
Richard says:
this one isn't too bad, they took someone�s face off the other day!
so says:
did you see the bloke that had all the operations to be a woman apart from the ahem, Final one?!
so says:
holy crap
Richard says:
yeah, he looked really nice from the top half up
so says:
I want to say I cannot believe you said that but�
Richard says:
so what part of your body would you have surgery on?
so says:
umm
so says:
dunno? what about you?
Richard says:
cop out!
so says:
i might get my nose straightened. it�s on a bit of a tilted piss.
Richard says:
my nose probably, maybe a bit of liposuction too on my belly!
so says:
what's wrong with your nose? nothing wrong with a belly
Richard says:
a little large, my Jewish inheritance
so says:
the worst operation they showed on here was the one for premature ejaculation. So, so wrong
Richard says:
that really made me cringe I can tell you
Richard says:
If I were you, I'd get a bum lift!!!
so says:
well thanks
Richard says:
yours is too saggy!
so says:
cheers for that. How about you get a face lift
Richard says:
you're welcome, you've got a lovely bum, I've noticed
so
have you been checking it out? i guess all that bending down to seductively pick up miscellaneous dropped items worked out for me.
so says:
the lip one frightens me
so says:
if someone had that done and started talking to me it would be ALL i'd be looking at
Richard says:
you'd end up looking like Leslie Ash!
so says:
sexy
Richard says:
yeah right!
so says:
hahaha did you hear what vanessa just said? �Why do women want lips like distended vaginas?� My ears are shocked Lady Vanessa.
Richard says:
it's such a bizarre show, I love watching those "send in your pictures" bits. Some people have such strange bodies!
so says:
micro penis
Richard says:
how small is that dick?
so says:
fucking hell
Richard says:
erghhh, well rough!
so says:
it was inverted or something
so says:
some poor bloke has that
so says:
did you send that photo in?
Richard says:
it was a M-M-M-MICRO DICK! Bet he doesn't get a lot of action
Richard says:
mine's smaller than that!
so says:
i don't know what is smaller than micro
so says:
nano-micro or something
Richard says:
micro micro??
so says:
they don't teach it in maths
so says:
double micro
Richard says:
milli micro?
so says:
let's stop there
Richard says:
centi micro?
Richard says:
I bought a new car!

I really did write a thousand words on this.

Inkysoso