Good afternoon everybody,

I have some bad news to report in today�s assembly. Some of you have been finding it humorous to go into the toilet cubicles, lock the door and then ninja-kick the door from the inside so that the bolt flies off. THIS IS ONLY RUINING THINGS FOR YOUSELF GIRLS.

(Present day)

I would love to have as many keys as a caretaker. They could come in handy as a lethal weapon. They have access to a plethora of secret doors that everyone else doesn�t. I should become a caretaker but I don�t think they let girls do it. At least, I have never seen any. I love the caretakers at work for a number of reasons. They always turn up fifteen minutes before home time. This means that when I see them I know that IT�S NEARLY TIME TO GO HOME which is most spirit lifting. As the job title suggests they are there to take care of the masses which makes them Very Nice People. They seem to love women and call females babe, love, darling, sweets, sweetheart and not in an annoying fuck off way in a quite sexy way. Am I in the only job where the caretakers are sexy?

This spiel was bought to you courtesy of typing Good afternoon everybody and evoking school based memories.

Yesterday I took my concerns into hand (come here concerns, these are my hands) and spent the morning ringing people, writing letters, ordering gowns etc Scary moment when I thought the tape measure recorded my height as 6�3 and I had to think through the possibilities that:

1. The tape measure has been made by Thick McThick from Thickington

2. I am Thick McThick and can�t read a tape measure

3. I am 6�3 and should be on the catwalk like Gisele!

Turns out that 63 inches is about 5�3 which seems somewhat more accurate (option 2). I have to say I was rooting for number 3 and could see that at last, my supermodel, chain smoking, lettuce eating, champagne drinking and formula one racing driver bedding days were within close reach. COME HERE JENSON BUTTON I AM 6�3 and WILLOWY! Ahem.

I bet you don�t know your head circumference do you? Mine is 22inches. I have a 22 inch head circumference but I have no idea whether that is within normal range or freakishly large or small. If you know your head circumference let me know and we can compare. I�m guessing that mine must be within normal range because people don�t say to me �Woah bitch, look at your fat-ass head�

I am going through eyebrow hell at the moment. I get my eyebrows waxed because it�s cheap and takes about a minute and they look far groovlier and shapelier than I could ever make them. The bad part is you have to wait a few weeks for them to grow back before going again. So right now I have some re-growth that quite simply clashes with every outfit. I think it is time to make another appointment.

I wrote all of the above a few hours ago. I don�t know why I feel the need to explain things like that. I guess time spans are important to me. Since then M came round as he was working in the area, so I got some kisses with my lunch. Then I went to the park with W & Eve (they are 2 and 4). We found a big orange cone and used it as a megaphone. Now I am drinking a large glass of lemonade with ice and lemon. Not that you wanted to know but too late, I shared. My friend Jack has emailed me a link which is like a code thing you put into the cheap CD buying website and it gives you even more money off CDs and DVDs. Despite this meaning that they are practically giving them away I Must Resist and be strong. Can somebody please buy me the Indiana Jones Trilogy? M can you buy it for yourself and leave it at my house, thanks.

The strangest thing, I have a strong craving for Skips. You know those crisps that are prawn cocktail flavour and shaped like a shell or a particular lampshade that we used to have. They are not real crisps, they are like um y�know, pretend. Not from potato. I haven�t eaten these for years, how bizarre to be craving them. I will buy some tomorrow.

Man, I write so much crap so consistently. At least you don�t have to be me and have this brain that thinks rubbish and then spews it out over an online diary or verbally to anyone in close proximity.

Inkysoso part of a multipack NOT to be sold separately